I must need to get out
like ripe fruit
I'm different
I'm the same
they would expect this
she told me so
sunken ships do not go down in endless misery
my hearts a bird that flies above the sea
you see my mind has turned to shit
i killed it to go on get out and
take a hit again again a
slap a sweet sweet kiss a
dreamy bliss of nothingness
of time
a folding paper plane
or maybe its a ball of clay that melds into Your fingers
I have no greater touch than this
my heart it beats all by itself
my pen moves swiftly all alone
I cannot tell what is to come
if I should lift it off the page
what darkness lurks beyond the end
of sentences I scribble down
I do not know I cannot know
and so and so and so and so
to hearts below a big red kiss
an ember blowing deep beneath the wind's a curse
a lover's lost lesson to the ends of the Earth
unknown we shout and cry it made us gods
but false and trembling in despair
or too much power for our stupid minds to bear
in right and wrong in good and bad and
satan lives in every thing
a song, a kiss goodnight, a righteous deed,
no sin's a Godless thing
unfettered fix who writes this i don't know
i sit and watch my words
aren't slurred would you say so?
and would you kill me with regret?
what did i do? what do i do?
my father doesn't go to church
he sits and smokes his cigarettes,
listens to Woody Guthrie
do I put silver in my toe?
he asks in crazed lucidity
I cannot help but wonder
if he means to slowly kill me
but still I'll go because where else?
I have nowhere to lay my head
no bed, I'll surely see my end
if I don't find some love
but is it there? I do not know
is he my foe? I cannot know
he told me once he understands
when someone steals your body
he told me once that life's a dream
and soon we'll wake up happily
I've prayed that God will kill me
and I bet he's done so too
here and now I understand
it was forever always that
but serpents have me in their grips
how else can I forgive myself
if not by proving wrong?
if I am sickly just pretend
that I can change the way I am
or tell me that I'm wonderful
just like we're meant to know.
having a cigarette
a mouse on the stairs
a terrible secret in lonely agony
in neglected divinity and checkered net bridges with my fist to
my head to the ground's our communion
like a scared rabbit
what will remind me
i was only there a moment ago
passing back into it onto itself
in the beginning it all sounded loud
illness and ill intent
and half a chair for a souvenir
or a threat
or a bowl to my head shattered beside me
beside myself
besides
i missed the bus for it
ending things
I know its time
I'm terrified
I'm swallowed up in misery
please tell me not to go
and respect my wishes, too
please love me
and leave me
or hurt me for a reason
give me one good reason
give me one good line
give me something
anything's fine
anything's fine fine fine
In drunken dreary dreams,
my memories do not escape me now
Through thick and thin, I've been,
beheld the hells that few before have known
Known fear alone can kill --
a moaning house, a shaking leg's enough
(a silent lover, too)
By Grace, I know that I am all alone
To beg You, if You will,
return me to Your Paradise -- my Home.
annihilation certainty,
certainly, I'll hold my breath for it, for now
for now,
I'll keep my thoughts to myself
I'll beg for death to my end
a speck of Light in a sea of darkness
I'll swim in faithful agony
take me to the heart of my aloneness
show me the truth of my pain
when I find my way back and I see him
I will stare in his darkness of death
I will see that his death is a shadow
I will pity this evil's delight
I have suffered his fall and it killed me
but in death was the Truth of Your Life
write just to write, scribble just to draw
that's okay, don't you know? it ain't so high stakes
it can be what I want to make
but I can take what I want to take, and I want to take
get me high till I can't feel my brain
fill me up, it's a bittersweet pain
it's a life that I chose, or at least that I live
I can't change it now, I thought that I did
but here I am, a familiar place
a plastic white chair in the back of this place
a hardened heart, an empty start
I just can't stay for more
please show me the door
it's all just whatever it is. no pretext, huh. no learning no taking is no nothing
just nothing
wrap yourself around that, will you?
around nonsense and supposed inaction
effortful effortlessness and fluff and something grimey
something raw like
p-i-s-s and b-loo-d
flies swarm piles of shit but who am I to judge
in circles I am helplessly unhelpful
in circles on the softbelly of my arm
she melted me and poured me out
I find her in my dreams
I bite her lip and cry